One more week.
One more week in the comfort of my house in Owensboro, my job with the Grounds Guys Landscape Management, everything I have that is familiar. This is strange to contemplate because it isn’t a permanent goodbye, but it almost is. I’ll be away for a year serving with the other Tucson Borderlands YAVs and, after I return, I’ll have a little more than a month before I get married in September and leave behind everything I know more permanently. So in a way, this coming year is a preparation for that eventual goodbye. Only now that I am at the cusp of it, I’m not so sure that I’m ready. Especially today the nerves have been overwhelming even though I know that this is something that will be good for me in ways I can’t even imagine yet. Still I am nervous and still, today, I found the need to introspect and add to this blog in hopes of finding some sort of inner peace. One more week until I begin the journey of a lifetime. One more week until I get to meet the people with whom I will be serving over this next year, as well as all the other YAVs who have decided to answer the call and devote a year of their life to the work of God. This is a source of some excitement for me. I’ve been able to get to know some of the others who will be in Tucson with me, but there’s only so much you can do to get to know someone via email and Facebook. It will be good to get to meet everyone at last and learn more about what this YAV thing actually means. One more week until we are all finally together. One more week until I move across the country from my fiancée Mariah. She has been a rock to me during this summer, even when she hasn’t quite accepted the fact that the date of my departure quickly approaches. But at the times when I need it most, she reminds me of why I’m doing this, even as she would rather me stay and be with her. One more week until the thought of leaving becomes the reality of separation. One more week. One more week to prepare myself through prayer. One more week until I begin to see if I have what it takes to complete this year. One more week until I face challenges like never before, grow like never before, and experience things that I never would have dreamed of. One more week.
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My parents say this to me all the time. It makes sense to me about life things. Today, though, it makes sense to me about world things.
To me, this statement is, yes I’m going to trust God through everything, with the usual warring, praying, gnashing teeth, trying to figure it out, being human that goes with that. But I’m also going to take action. I’m going to DO something to move forward. While I was working on the initial discernment process for YAV, I still put in applications for teaching positions, I still interviewed for other things, I got offered other positions, but I felt like this is where God wanted me, so I stalled on accepting things until I knew 100% for sure that YAV either was, or wasn’t, going to be a thing. That’s the tying your camel part. It’s making sure that you cover every eventuality, while trusting that God is going to provide you the right path. I had this heart and gut feeling that it was YAV (and a small voice in my head, after my Tucson interview kept saying “Tucson would be cool. That’s a totally different place, you should go there.” and things) but I didn’t want August to role around and have been wrong and have nothing to go to. Because that’s me not taking action to follow God’s call, that’s me just sitting back and going “You do everything, God, and I’ll play video games and binge-watch shows, and it’ll be cool.” That’s not how it works. God doesn’t just call us to prayer, meditation, and reflection. Oddly enough, I’ve probably heard His voice and call in my life more while DOING and LIVING with others, than when in quiet. I think for me that’s straight up because the little anxiety monsters that tell me that I’m wrong, thinking the wrong thing, discerning the wrong thing, being the wrong thing, tend to appear more in moments of quiet. I struggle with shutting my brain up more when I’m quiet and alone. When I’m doing something, whether that’s singing, laughing with friends, working, playing, or whatever, I get these thoughts that just float by and stick around. And then I go pursue whatever it is. I go DO it. God calls us to ACTION. Concrete, definable, obvious action. Part of my current action is preparing for YAV, physically, mentally, spiritually, and emotionally. I’ve given myself the lazy summer for a couple weeks, while still mentally, emotionally, and spiritually preparing to leave. Now I get to do the physical, the deciding what I’m keeping and storing, the packing, etc. I’ve been reading, praying, spending time with the people I’m leaving, learning things to help me. I will keep doing those things. Regardless, all of these things are concrete, tangible, see-able actions |
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